Getting Back Up

We’re approaching the end of month 2 now, and that means a new game that I’ve created, and if you remember this time around it was Snake! There have been some setbacks, some issues, and a myriad of outside circumstances that mean that the full vision may not be realised in these next few days, however this is still a success.

As previous readers will know I’ve been doing quite a lot recently, the making of a podcast, the online C++ course hosted by Microsoft that I’ve nearly finished, the beginning of Project Euler, applying for jobs, going to job interviews, and also just general life ups and downs; Dates, meet-ups, an upcoming funeral sadly, and so on.

I won’t lie about any of this, it’s been hard. It’s been hard to find the will-power and build the discipline to code when I should, in fact really I should be coding right now, but I’m here writing this as it’s still something productive. It’s been a hard time, the job list seemingly never ends, and the setbacks of hearing “no” time and time again in interviews despite saying that I was “passionate/enthusiastic/well-liked”, it can really just get to you, and it has done to me.

As I sit here writing part of me wants to just unload all of the “injustices” I feel have been put upon me, then I realised that a good deal of the stress is simply deadlines I make for myself via the plethora of jobs I’ve created. Part of me wants to “preach” about something silly like “The power within” and how we can all withstand more than we think. And I feel that conflict is at the heart of why this has been so hard, I want to stop having to keep pushing to just get a simple grad job, but I also want all the work I’m doing to be done (despite being open ended and there not being an actual finish line).

This cognitive dissonance makes it hard to concentrate on work, but it also makes me question things, and their true value and what I gain from them, and if you’re honest at that point I think you really do see where you should be pushing forward. I realise that I have a great knowledge of the basics, I’ve made 2 simple games and I know the logic required, I know it’ll take longer than I anticipate but I know how it should be done and therefore the challenge isn’t there. Only the goal of committing it to memory is left.

I feel it’s important in these moments of somewhat “feeling lost”, to actually be critical of yourself, I know I don’t use my time effectively to do work, I know I don’t keep track of my work well right now, I know I’m not pushing myself as hard as I could with learning new things in Unity and C++. This isn’t to say I’m attacking myself or chiding myself for not doing those things right, but realising they’re problem areas and then taking that into account when I next make a decision on what to do next will build up a better character. I don’t think I’ve bad character, far from it, but I’m not ready to declare this as who I finally am, lifes about change, improvement and reaching for new goals.

Thank you for reading, have an awesome day, and keep on designing.

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